written by Ellie Kemper
NO STRESS, LOW FUSS, HASSLE FREE SUMMERTIME RECIPES FOR THE CONFIDENT, INDEPENDENT, SELF SUFFICIENT GAL ON THE GO.
This simple recipe is the perfect answer to the age-old question "What's for dinner?"
Unfortunately, what you really need is an answer to the question "Why does every
man eventually leave you?" But let's deal with dinner first! For best results, use
fresh-picked-earlier-that day-by-workers-not-being-exploited lemons from
Venezuela. If this is impossible, then skip the lemon part altogether. If feeling guilty
about wasting animals again, simply use the entire chicken, and not just the
fashionable “breast” portion. Summer lemon neck never tasted so good! Chicken
is also best if organic and fresh that day, from Venezuela. If this is impossible,
better just to ask your boyfrie— Better just to order Chinese and enjoy a
quiet night hiding under the comforter. Easy!
Spicy Veggie Stir-Fry
If you're a vegetarian, then this is the dish for you. If you're not a vegetarian,
then maybe you should consider becoming one. Could you be scaring away
men with the amount of meat you eat? Veggie stir-fry is a fuss-free way to
make sure you’re getting your 5 to 17 recommended servings of
vegetables a day. (Sound overwhelming? Eating lots of vegetables is much
easier when working as a team. Try creating a sensible meal plan with your
husban— Try liquefying your vegetables and pouring them in the humidifier.
Presto!) Don’t have a wok? Just eat three big bags of baby carrots and a can
of okra. Recent studies have shown that okra is likely to reduce the
chances of breast cancer, HPV, and pregnancy.* So eat up!
*Not having a male companion will also reduce the chance of pregnancy.
Sure to please any crowd, or—in the event that you have no crowd to
please—you. Breaded veal is a delicious, timeless, mouthwatering entrée.
Of course, it is really unhealthy to have breaded anything! In order not to feel
horrible about yourself for the remainder of the evening, grill, steam, or simply
don’t eat the veal. Now, certain eaters can always be relied upon to argue that the
concept of veal is cruel and that no baby cow should be subjected to such
inhumane treatment (even though we are talking about cows here, folks). These people
should calm down and live a little. Cows are hilarious, and veal is delicious! Bon appétit!
Fried Beef Ravioli, Cajun French Fries, and Four-Cheese Lasagna
Wouldn’t that be delicious? Too bad God had to go and invent upper-thigh fat.
Caribbean Pork and Couscous Salad
This spirited summer meal will add that extra spring to your step. First, put the pork
cubes and the Caribbean rub inside a plastic bag and shake well. Next, skewer the pork
and grill over a medium-hot fire for eight minutes. Do not overcook. Overcooking the
pork cubes will cause irreversible damage, destroying the meal beyond repair. Why can’t
you do anything right? Not overcooking the pork cannot be emphasized enough. If you
overcook the pork, you will dry out all of the juices and the cellulite on your stomach will
automatically become more pronounced. If you think you are on the verge of overcooking
the pork cubes, remove the pork from the fire immediately and take a minute
to re-evaluate. Does your life have an actual purpose? Better to err on the side of
not-cooked-enough** rather than overcooked.
**In order to avoid any number of life-threatening bacterial diseases that will
cause you to die alone, be sure to cook meat thoroughly.
Linguine With Shrimp Scampi
A nice, light, healthful summer treat. If done correctly, this yummy dish can be
prepared in minutes! If done incorrectly, this dish can single-handedly ruin your
entire evening by creating sickening levels of frustration, inescapable feelings of incompetence/helplessness/loneliness, and burnt scampi. Great with a side of field greens!
Often considered a cure for the winter blahs, this meal works for the summer
blahs as well. Haven’t experienced the summer blahs yet? Oh. Who are you taking
to Donovan and Shelly’s wedding next month? Who did you dance with at Stuart
and Brooke’s last weekend? What exactly is the point of moving from your studio
apartment into a one-bedroom? There we go. Chicken soup!
Four Large Bottles of Evian Water
Actually, this is probably all you really need tonight.
other mcsweeney favorites of mine
// My Hobbies
// What I Would Be Thinking About If I Were Billy Joel Driving Toward A Holiday Party Where I Knew There Was Going To Be A Piano